“What’s up, nigga’? I asked Jesus while handing Him a cup of tea as well, cutting through the thick layers of smoke. You seem a bit upset. Don’t tell me you’ve fallen in love!”
He carefully takes a sip out of his mug, relishing the sweet aroma and then smiles to me.
“You know well that ever since the episode with Maria Magdalena, I haven’t had that issue with women ever since, bro! I’m just a bit moody.”
He sighs and sips from His tea again. He is making himself comfortable on the couch by setting His dirty Converses on the coffee table, relaxing his tired feet. I should have made Him take off his shoes, when He first came into the house, but He is wandering by foot too much and I don’t think I would’ve handled well the hidden fragrance coming from His old sneakers.
“I like the way you’ve done your hair. And beard!” I said, innocently trying to lift up his spirits, although I couldn’t care less about His new look.
“Thanks, mate! says Jesus, whilst nostalgically caressing his freshly shaved cheeks. I had to quit the beard and shorten my hair. It was becoming more and more difficult to pass the airports’ security checkups… they were all staring at me, as if expecting me to explode any moment now.”
I laugh. I had forgotten how funny He is. He hasn’t passed by since I moved to this new place.
“Sucker! It looked good on you! Can’t you see that everybody is copying your looks lately?! From priests to hipsters…”
He passes his hand through his grey, short hair, and smiles. He knows I’m just teasing him. I know I can’t piss him off. What the fuck?! He’s Jesus… He did not even break down when He had found out that he was being betrayed, or that He had to move the boulder, guarding the entrance of the crypt, all by himself, in order to come into the light again. It’s just the way He is… calm. But I still enjoy teasing Him.
“If Peter knew how to clip hair this way… and… had I found Gillette at the merchants back then… be sure, my friend, that the icons and the posters of myself would’ve looked totally different today. And I wouldn’t be hanging only on the grannies’ walls. (He winks at me, cheekily, and smiles.)
He is definitely enjoying my tea. He’s pouring some more. I go back to my game, letting Him speak. I am kind of a better listener when I am handling my PS controller, lost in my virtual world. I hear everything, it’s just that I am not paying that much attention. I think you know what I mean…
“You look good in black!” I tell Him at some point, to show Him that I am all ears. At the game. „I like your jeans…”
“Indeed, I do! It fits be much better than those old sheets, right?! Black is my favorite color (or noncolor) when it comes to clothing. It just gets less dirty and it makes me look thinner, too.”
“The truth is that you’ve always been chubby…”
He silently watches the game for a few minutes. I just hope he doesn’t intend to ask for the controller next, because I am caught up in this very important quest and I so want to finish it without needing to save it.
“Just admit it! You missed me, didn’t you?” I ask Him, trying to make Him speak. I am performing poorly when there are spectators around.
“Kind of… and smiles again. I was a bit down and I thought that your special teas would help.”
“And here I am, thinking this was because of the Couch…”
He decides to ignore me and continues on talking. I forgot to tell you, folks. Jesus likes talking. A lot. But that doesn’t quite bother me as long as He lets me play.
“I saw on your blog that you’re just fiddling around and I knew that if I’d pass by, I wouldn’t bother you. Anyways, you and the Couch were my last option. Buddha is too lazy to move his fat ass anywhere, even to open the door, back when I last payed him a visit. He’s probably too busy with the whole ‘never dying soul’ philosophy, to listen to others’ problems. And you know well that he doesn’t quite get the reality aspects of life. He should take it easier on the LSD. It does no good to him.”
“But, what about Mohammed? Was he not home?”
“Oh, yes, he was. I should have brought him here, too. Perhaps he could’ve gotten rid of some of that anxiety, whilst spending time with us. He is way over the hills right now, mentally and emotionally. I could barely get some common sense out of him.”
“He’s always irritated and jumpy, I tell Him, while still playing. At this point, I think that even the tea is useless to him. Too much coke in the system.”
Jesus starts laughing and tries to catch Blu, who stares at Him weirdly. The cat runs away. She probably doesn’t want to be exorcised.
“No, mate! I think it’s all about that crappy sand!”, says Jesus, resigned because of the miss. He just spends too much time with his head stuck in it! He should pop it out from time to time. Me, for one, the moment I got out of that cursed cave in which they buried me, I started seeing the world with these whole new eyes. Hmmm….”
“Hmmm, what? I ask Him.”
“Now, if I come to think about it… maybe if I stuck my head in the sand like he does, I wouldn’t be this sad anymore. I had better stayed in that crypt. Did I really have to rise, just to realize I want to go back to my cave, after realizing that nothing but shit came along with me?”
I stop the game. Alloy can way for a bit. However, the main quest is already fulfilled for today and Jesus really seems sad. Maybe it would be wise to pay a little more attention to Him. He just doesn’t visit that often…
“What the shit are you babbling about, bro?”
“People simply didn’t understand a thing, after all I’ve done and all I wanted to teach them. I now fully agree with my Father, when He calls them sheep.”
“Let’s not talk about you Father on the Couch! I tell him, while lighting a cigarette. You know well that him and I have this special relationship…”
He ignores me and continues sorrowfully:
“They just didn’t get the point of it all… I taught them how to live with each other in harmony, so they can all be happy, and it seems like they understood the contrary. I don’t recall saying they should build up churches or sculpt me on a cross. It’s so… morbid… I just told them to be loving and caring… and they are using my name for such idiotic reasons. Nobody understood anything. They fast, to imitate me in the desert. That’s just mumbo jumbo… if it were a desert, how on earth could I have fed myself?! I was hungry as hell… I even hallucinated. If I had food, I would’ve eaten. I didn’t order them to fast. I just encouraged them to love, understand and accept each other… The world is such a magical place. They just drained all the magic out of it…”
“Boss, it is what your apostles preached after your rose from the dead…”
“The hell I rose! Pardon my language… Jesus bursts into heavy laughters. After I got out of that cave, I wandered into the desert for a while, trying to get rid of them. You know, they began to annoy me and that was stressful. I thought that after the whole crucifying thing, they would fall for it and would leave me alone for good. But no… they waited for me and followed me like puppies through the desert. I had to give them tea like yours. Apparently, after this, they got stuck heavily on the rising thing. I rose to the skies earlier the following morning, and I managed to keep myself out of their sights, till they were convinced I was gone.”
I am laughing, tears pouring down my cheeks. Jesus is very funny sometimes.
“I really think that Judas was the smartest of them all. Now, giving it a second thought, seeing that Peter has become the doorman of my Father and I am standing here with you on the Couch, I don’t know who is more of a traitor…”
I would like to add something, but I find Him too amusing, all dressed up in black, grumpy, on my Couch, with His dirty, sandy Converse sneakers, together with His new hairstyle, while spitting out all His sorrows. In the 21st century, is seems like not even Jesus can stay away from depression. I fill up both tea cups from the coffee table, determined to bring the smile on His face once more.
“What do you say, should we play FIFA together?” I ask Him while handing him the second controller.
“Oh, yes, sure! Jesus replies, joyfully.”
“But no cheating, ok, mate?”
“I swear, bro! He says, picking up a team.”
I trust Him. He won’t do it. Jesus is too naïve. He doesn’t even expect me to cheat, but He doesn’t mind, anyways. Nice guy, this Jesus, sometimes. It’s a pity He only passes by from time to time…